my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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