I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
