I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
