if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
