If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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