I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
