Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
