My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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