He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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