How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
