She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
