Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Randomize
