Ambien. No doubt about it.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
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