i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
