I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
