Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
