We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
