Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
