Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
