I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
