theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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