one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
