Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
