I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
