my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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