Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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