he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize