You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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