Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
