You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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