I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
