I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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