new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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