guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
