How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
porn star boner night. come get it.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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