I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
