You really coming over, don't trick.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
