I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
