Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
