she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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