Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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