I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
