I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize