I'm pants shitting drunk right now
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
