if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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