Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
