Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
