Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
my being single is dangerous.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
