Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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