i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
