I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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