don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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