IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
