i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Everyone says I win the strip club
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Randomize
