Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
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