I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
