you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
