so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
