Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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