in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Can I color on your dick again?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
