sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
