I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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