i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Randomize
